Help to Find Love

Helping single women over 40 to find their love

Archive for August, 2009


Published by Alicia on August 16, 2009

I learnt the hard way that I was not ready to find love at all.  I spent a number of years searching to find love.  I met many men online, formed relationships and then met them.  Some of the men were average, some really nice and some wonderful and possible loves.

I then found the one that I thought would be my Mr Right and I moved in with him after a couple of weeks of knowing him.  As I had been single for a while, I wanted to see how compatible we were living together.  I probably would not have done this except that he lived three hours away.

With one thing and the other it did not last past a few weeks.  Surprise, surprise you may be saying but I did see real potential in him.  I committed some cardinal sins though – I slept with him the day I met him (no chase for him there!), I constantly talked about my feelings and how we were progressing (also a no no – men hate listening to that emotional stuff) and finally I was not improving mentally!  No – I am not a nutter but I did have depression at that time.  And yes I know, I would not see a difference that early but in fact I seemed to be getting worse with some panic attacks happening.

You see, I was not ready for love.  Corny as it may sound, I did not love myself and I had huge self worth issues.  I am mumbling to myself here as I say ‘you have to love yourself before you can love another’.  I had always hated that saying and in fact did not really understand how I could love myself.  What I mean is, I had really only heard things like …look in the mirror and say to yourself every morning … “I love you”.  Well I think many of you would agree that this sounds soooo corny and how in the world would that make any difference to find love?

Over the next number of months I pulled back my efforts in the dating area and decided that I needed to find out how to love myself and get out of depression.  I kept a couple of close friends for ‘hugs’ and went on my search.

While I will talk about being a better ‘you’ to make yourself into a guy magnet, I will also give you the benefit of my years of online dating experience and help you find a variety of resources to assist you in your own search to find love.  

Your feedback on what you would like to hear about would also be appreciated.

To Success and Passion in Your Life!


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Why You Would Want to Pay for a Dating Site

Published by Alicia on August 30, 2009

Why would you pay for an online dating service when there are so many on the internet which are free?  Well I suppose that it all depends on how serious you are in your search to find love.  You need to determine what your needs are and make the decision that is right for you.  I have used both types and there are definite differences.

Firstly, it is free and you get what you pay for.  If the site is free, the owners need to make money in some way and mostly they opt for advertising.  Their focus is likely to be on selling ads rather than wanting you to find love and leave their site.  In addition, because it is free, all sorts of people may sign up for fun or to kill an hour or two of boredom.  Also, because there is no payment, no credit cards are produced which would have limited under-aged people.

Secondly, free dating sites often don’t have the features of paid sites.  The software of the site could be cumbersome and slow to load and filtering processed could be limited.  In the end you could find yourself wading through heaps and heaps of profiles to find potential dates.  Contrast this to a paid site that may have matching software and only show you men that will potentially match your personality and interests.

Thirdly, people who pay to be a member of a dating site are showing much more commitment to their search to find love.  By using a paid site you are almost guaranteeing that potential dates are serious and as a by product, they are willing to pay money and they have the money to pay for it.  These are both indicators of at least some financial security of your potential match.

Fourthly, you are more likely to find quality people on paid sites.  They have probably discovered that free dating sites are in fact very expensive with respect to time.  This is a statement that their time is valuable.  This is potentially a good thing.  I say potentially because you don’t want someone who is so short of time that they don’t have the time to devote to the development of a relationship either.

Fifthly, free dating sites are a virtual paradise for all sorts of scammers, con artists and dubious types.  Paid sites are not totally free of these people but they have motivation to remove people of this type from their sites.  Paid sites receive a lot of subscriptions from word of mouth and their reputation.

Sixthly, with paid dating sites, you can often enjoy features such as live webcam, photo uploads, private phone calls and many other things.  They are also generally a safer and more secure computer environment.

Having basically recommended paid dating sites over free dating sites if you are serious in your search to find love, would I ever encourage you to use a free dating site?  Yes, of course.  Initially, free dating sites are perfect if you just want to find out how this scene actually works.  It could be a way of putting your toe in the water so to speak.  Alternatively, a lot of paid sites do have free membership trials that you could experiment with.  Be careful to read all terms of service if taking up a free trial because sometimes your credit card will be automatically debited at the end of the trial.  Make sure you know how to cancel the service if it is not what you want.

To Success and Passion in Your Life!

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Six Lessons Learnt from Internet Chatting

Published by Alicia on August 27, 2009

Well I don’t know about you but in my younger years, I met my guys through friends or at the local dances. Even then, I did not date much as I was married by the time I was nineteen. The marriage did not last past four years before I took up with another and this time managed nineteen years. I found myself dissatisfied with my lack of happiness and eventually left the marriage. I was then single, footloose and fancy free to do exactly what I wanted.

It did not take me long before I was on the hunt again, but this time I was using the internet. I started to use this medium because I could not really see me hanging out in bars or at nightclubs trying to make eyes at cute men. For a start I did not think that I was particularly attractive to a potential beau. I am overweight. In addition, it is a very hit and miss process, time consuming and sometimes expensive.

jokeThe area that I had tried the most was IRC chat rooms. If you have tried these programs, then you know that it is totally uncontrolled and that conversations can be quite ‘interesting’. The first room I went into was very confronting and I think I lasted about a minute or two before exiting rapidly. I had been approached by about 10 men in separate windows within a heartbeat. It was silly to run because they did not know who I was or where in the world I lived. It was just because it was a new place and I had not known what to expect.

I guess one of the problems with the internet is that you really don’t know who you are talking to. People lie about themselves because they feel that they are anonymous. I remember talking to this great sounding guy once and after a few days of chat he revealed that he was actually a she! I was not impressed. I look back on those days with a lot of fondness as I learnt numerous things.

Words exchanged can allow you to really get to know the inner person. Initially I had talked to a few people that I had no idea what they looked like. When I finally did get to see their picture after about six months, I was very surprised. I probably would not have given them the time of day had I seen their picture initially, but now I had made several very good friends. They always say not to judge a book by its cover, and they are right.

People lie. I have come across this fact many times now. Fortunately I have not been badly hurt or anything but I have heard of some who have. The main areas that people lie in are their age, their looks and their marital status. I am sure there are many other little things that people may lie about, but those were the main ones that irritated me.

You can love more than once. At this point in my internet exploration I was talking to all sorts of people from all around the world and I actually fell in love with a few, just through chatting online. I did not have webcam at that point so it was all chatting online. I even went to the extent of visiting a few of those people. I visited California, Canada, Germany and Spain with the specific aim of meeting people that I had chatted to online. People doubt that real love can happen online, but for me it certainly did and a couple of times. It convinced me that there is more than one Mr Right out there for me.

Long distance relationships can be a problem. If I fell in love with Mr Right and he lived in another country, what would I do? In fact I did face this and my guy was in Spain. In the end I did travel to Spain to meet him. By the time I traveled to see him, he had already moved onto another relationship so it was not an issue for me. However, had I still been serious about him, I would have had to consider moving to a different country and learning another language and culture. Not only that, I would have really had to spend some actual ‘face-to-face’ time with him to make sure we were actually compatible. How do you practically do that unless you travel and spend time with each other? Additionally you would have some ‘interesting’ phone bills. People do it and make it work but after a while I opted not to start chatting to people from other countries. Even in my own country, I was careful of distance issues. I started to confine my search to just my city.

Chatting online is not enough. To advance a relationship, you need to meet in ‘real life’. You may think that you like them, but it is not until you actually meet that you find out whether the chemistry is there for a longer lasting relationship. In addition, I watch out for habits that irritate me. If something like constant clearing of the throat annoys you at your first date, then I can almost guarantee you that after a few years of that, it will almost turn you insane. You must listen to your gut feelings about things like that. If everything is perfect and that is the only thing annoying, then you must turn that irritation into an endearment – a charming quirk that you just ‘love’ about him.

There are men out there who just love overweight women! Well this one was important to me. I am sure others will like this revelation as well.

Today we have moved onto social networking and/or dating sites to find love but the above points are just as relevant. In fact, whatever dating site you do use, I would highly recommend one with a chat facility. It is amazing how quickly you can get a ‘feel’ for what that other person is like. Exchanging emails can also enlighten you but it is far more stilted and there can be days in between each new email. Regardless, I do recommend online communication with the potential guy to get to know them first. If you don’t do this, you could end up with a whole heap of dates that finish very quickly and were a waste of time. Looks and financial security are not everything.

To Success and Passion in Your Life!

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What is Your Passion in Life?

Published by Alicia on August 18, 2009

Do you have a passion?  Is it something that you will spend hours doing and not realize the time has just flown by?  Ideally it should be something that drives you out of bed in the morning so that you can do it.  It should be something that gives you purpose in life.

Well, when I started looking, I had trouble.  Yes, I liked a number of things such as reading science fiction/fantasy books, doing jigsaws, playing mindless computer games for hours on end, chatting to friends online, my animals (Jasper (my doggie) and Marcie and Gracie (my two cats)) and not a lot else really.  None of that would make me leap out of bed thinking …”Wow!  I just can’t wait to do …..”  I did not really have a passion.  I am guessing that many of you may not have one either. So how do you find your passion?  There are a number of questions that you could use to get your mind thinking such as:

  • What do I enjoy? (This can get you started at least.)
  • What do I hate?  (Sometimes this identifies passions much faster, ie looking for the opposite of what you hate.)
  • What would I do if I had enough money not to work ever again?  (Skip all of the material things and concentrate on what you would do after all of the nice things were bought.)
  • What would I do if this was the last day of my life?
  • What does success mean for me?
  • What really excites me?
  • If I were immortal, what would I do with my life?
  • What am I proud of?
  • What would I do if I were the President?
  • What would I like to accomplish during my life?
  • What is it that is important to me?

These are merely thought starters and some you will want to answer more than others and that is alright.  You need to test your answers, ie ‘Does doing x make me forget the time or make me want to get up in the morning?’  You may find that you don’t have the answer quite right.  For instance, one of things I came up with was ‘to help people’.  This was all noble and stuff but what did that really mean and did it mean that I wanted to go over to some third world country and dig wells or something?  Well for me, the answer was no but you could easily answer yes.  I had to delve more into this statement to further define exactly what it was that I wanted to do to help people.

I wanted to make the statement make me feel light headed instead of feeling some type of dread. So for me, I might love to play with kittens all day or watch my doggie run free – these make me feel joy.  But I would not want to help kittens or dogs that had been maltreated because I would become way too sad.  So listen to your heart for lightness and joy when determining what your passion may be.

Some of these passions may have come from your youth – things that you may have put aside to study, have a career or to have a family, etc.  Why can’t you look to follow your dreams now?  A book that I would highly recommend is The Passion Test by Janet Attwood.  This is the book that I credit most with my new search to fulfillment  in my life.  This book can help you too if that is where you are at the moment.  It is never, ever too late.  Click on the link below to get it.

So why am I talking about passion?  It is simple really.  If you don’t have passion and fulfillment in your life, then you are most likely not ‘whole’.  If you are not whole, it is likely to show in desperation on your part when you go to find your love in life.  We don’t want that.  You need to be the best you you can be for this search.

To Success and Passion in Your Life!


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Do you NEED to Find a Man?

Published by Alicia on August 17, 2009

Do you find yourself yearning for someone else in your life to give you purpose?  Do you want to get involved in his hobbies and activities and help him achieve his goals?  Do you want to immerse yourself in his life to give you happiness?  Do you find yourself wandering around not knowing what to do next?  Do you find that your life feels empty? Heaven forbid are you also depressed because you can’t find this man for your life?

Well I hate to tell you, but you have a problem.  You see, I was the same and I am sure there are many others out there with the same thoughts.  It is not that there is something wrong with us per se but there is definitely something wrong with our thinking.

When I found myself single after nearly 30 years of marriage (my choice), I just wanted to find another man.  I wanted one to complete my life.  I thought that I needed to find someone that would complement my interests and goals and personality.  I wasn’t in a particular hurry because I also enjoyed the freedom to do whatever I wanted and when I wanted.

So, I started my search and I met heaps of men and had a variety of success.  I met men that I only saw once or a couple of times.  I also met men that I ended up having long term relationships with, ie years.  Most of these men were, in my opinion, unsuitable to live with though.  I think that having been married for so long (3 different relationships), I sure knew what I did not want pretty quickly.

But back to the original intent of this article, did you know that if you lived your life for your man, ie immersed yourself in his hobbies and interests etc, not only might you be smothering him, but you are also denying yourself.  Aren’t you important enough to have your own interests, hobbies, friends, dreams etc?  The real danger may be that you say …”Well I don’t have any really”.

How come you don’t have goals?  You can’t have goals unless you are with a male to give you some direction?  This is a major warning sign that you need to get a life!

Now this may sound a touch insulting but it is not intended that way.  What I mean by this is that you need to become ‘whole’.  Having a partner DOES NOT make you whole.  You need to have your own purpose in life, your own passion to follow and grow within yourself.  It is this journey of self discovery which will make you whole and wonder of wonders confident in the process!  Also, the fantastic side effect of this is that you will glow with confidence and satisfaction with life because you are pursuing your dreams.  In addition because of your self assurance, you will attract your Mr Right.  You will be irresistible to him.

Now that is a goal worth pursuing.  Hang in there with me as I grow this site and get you to the same level of success and love in your life.

To Success and Passion in Your Life!

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